Getting Back on the Horse

Dear Bloggers,

I realize that I have been silent for quite some time. I always try to keep up with myself, but sometimes being witty seems more like a job. I giggle when I type this because my dream is to work for Hallmark. And yes I do mean that sappy card company that prides itself in having a sentiment for every occasion possible. I wish they had a sentiment that told me how stupid I can be. But, I am human and I admit to making bad decisions.

Sometimes I feel as though I am trying to hard. I try to actually be me and somehow "me" manages to piss at least one person off. I understand that it is not possible to be liked or respected by everyone, but I like to think as I grow older that the list of people that can at least tolerate me will far exceed the list of people that don't. I read something in an email that I really liked. Be more concerned with your character than your reputation. Your character is what you really are, while your reputation is merely what others think you are.

I guess I translate this to mean to simply be yourself. There is no need to act a certain way. And frankly that is all I have been doing, being me. I like who I am when I am not afraid to show it. I think she gets sadly mixed up in this confused state at times, which in turn makes me sad. I guess it's only human to be afraid. I thought of something else. Most of the people that we tend to disagree with are people that remind us of our own faults and failings. And I believe it makes us uncomfortable to confront what we need to work on. Most people like to believe that they have things figured out. Those that show us our weaknesses in essence can make us weak. I believe it takes a strong person to rise above these petty fears. There is also the complex of thinking that when people talk, you always tend to think it's about you. Reality check one person is not that amazing that strangers are watching you and talking about you non-stop.

Recently in my life, I am, as the title suggests, "getting back on the horse." I have gone into this knowing full well what it can do to me. If it ends badly it will once again crush me. Does that thought scare me? You bet. I go to sleep every night just praying that I am doing the right thing. I know it seems that I only turn to a higher being when I'm at a point of being out of control. I guess when things are going super sometimes I just don't think to need that support. But the reality is I do.

I guess at this point I just have to have faith, both in myself, my choices, and what is inevitably my destiny which will happen as it will. As much as it hurts to love I will forever be trapped by it. Love is this suffocating force that drives me to exsist despite the many times that I wanted to disapear.

What I want is to find my place, wherever that may be and have my own family. I don't feel like my clock is ticking I just feel that I am destined for greater things. I'm missing a piece of me. Really I just want a sign. As corny as that sounds. Maybe a little guidance. That would be my dream come true.


"I saw the sign and it opened up my eyes i saw the sign... life is demanding without understanding" - Ace of Base