Giving Up

Well I guess one can't expect to have all facets of life come together in a rainbow of sunshine. No that would be for lack of a better term "nice." Each experience leads into new and mostly unchartered territory. The terrain is rough and the weather is sketchy. That being said cyberspace gives the opportunity to let it all hang out. So where does that leave me? Some would say I'm only just beginning my journey. I have many obstacles that will make or break who I am. But doesn't everyone? Even you fellow bloggers have some issues not ironed out that make you vicariously read my blog as a few minute escape.

I like thinking of myself as an escape. I like to think someone feels that I get them, and that we can relate on a higher level. I like using my words to express a deeper meaning and commitment.

So here at a crossroads I stand. One direction leads to more pain then it's worth at least that's what I'm starting to believe. The other direction leads to the unknown which for most would be a scary venture. I think I'm just ready to admit to myself that I was wrong and that i can wish the world for anyone, but that won't make them be the person you want them to be.

My co-worker took me out to lunch today for my pre-birthday. He's a funny fellow in his late 40's with two daughters. I think I got to talk to someone and I mean really talk to someone for the first time in long time. He would listen and then actually engage in a real conversation.

During this deep conversation I came to ask myself a question. When you are truly in love when is enough, enough? The answer is simple, never. I can not honestly claim to answer this question in that way. It's kinda like that song in Top Gun. You've lost that lovin feelin. Maybe I never really had it.

I know this seems like a complete 180 from the last post. But, I would be lying if I said that I haven't felt like this for a while now. This feeling doesn't come out of nowhere. It builds over disapointment and let-downs.

Truly I am at a point in my life where I don't want to wait on anyone. Nor should I feel like I have too. I have tried to be patient, but I don't want it. Not anymore.

It's my birthday tomorrow and frankly Ive lost my want to celebrate. What I should have been looking forward too is an illusion. Most of life is lived as an illusion. People are fake... they are cruel... and they try to hurt you.

My world isn't some happy little bubble. My world is dark and I believe thats the way I am destined to live.


"It's my party and I'll Cry if I want to!" Unhappy Birthday to me.