Blue Pens (cuz that's what I'm looking at)

Sometimes what I blog really surprises me. I just wrote an email where I admit to writing strictly what I am thinking at that particular moment. It strikes me as being amazing how dark I was feeling a couple days ago. Honestly, its scary at times.

For the record as I was called out on this fact, no there is no interest in my coworker. He is this big, goofy, bald man who offered a listening ear. If anything I see him as a daddy as he is always talking about his two girls, which I find endearing.

Who am I? I am a person that is looking for Recognition. I want to feel like I am being heard. I'll admit to being needy at times. I'll admit to acting emotional. I'll even admit to being stubborn. But all that aside making me happy is an easy task.

Love is never a bad thing. It can just be a disconcerting experience. I know that it is something that needs to be constantly nurtured. I know that I'm going to have periods where I doubt it, I doubt everything, I just doubt me. The true fight is sticking through the pain.



"We are Here on Earth to do good to others. What the other's are here for I don't know." -W.H. Auden

Giving Up

Well I guess one can't expect to have all facets of life come together in a rainbow of sunshine. No that would be for lack of a better term "nice." Each experience leads into new and mostly unchartered territory. The terrain is rough and the weather is sketchy. That being said cyberspace gives the opportunity to let it all hang out. So where does that leave me? Some would say I'm only just beginning my journey. I have many obstacles that will make or break who I am. But doesn't everyone? Even you fellow bloggers have some issues not ironed out that make you vicariously read my blog as a few minute escape.

I like thinking of myself as an escape. I like to think someone feels that I get them, and that we can relate on a higher level. I like using my words to express a deeper meaning and commitment.

So here at a crossroads I stand. One direction leads to more pain then it's worth at least that's what I'm starting to believe. The other direction leads to the unknown which for most would be a scary venture. I think I'm just ready to admit to myself that I was wrong and that i can wish the world for anyone, but that won't make them be the person you want them to be.

My co-worker took me out to lunch today for my pre-birthday. He's a funny fellow in his late 40's with two daughters. I think I got to talk to someone and I mean really talk to someone for the first time in long time. He would listen and then actually engage in a real conversation.

During this deep conversation I came to ask myself a question. When you are truly in love when is enough, enough? The answer is simple, never. I can not honestly claim to answer this question in that way. It's kinda like that song in Top Gun. You've lost that lovin feelin. Maybe I never really had it.

I know this seems like a complete 180 from the last post. But, I would be lying if I said that I haven't felt like this for a while now. This feeling doesn't come out of nowhere. It builds over disapointment and let-downs.

Truly I am at a point in my life where I don't want to wait on anyone. Nor should I feel like I have too. I have tried to be patient, but I don't want it. Not anymore.

It's my birthday tomorrow and frankly Ive lost my want to celebrate. What I should have been looking forward too is an illusion. Most of life is lived as an illusion. People are fake... they are cruel... and they try to hurt you.

My world isn't some happy little bubble. My world is dark and I believe thats the way I am destined to live.


"It's my party and I'll Cry if I want to!" Unhappy Birthday to me.

Weekend of Love

February 14th is typically known as the day of love. For some reason our society has decided that we need to commercially express adoration for a significant other. Instead of basking in the rosy lights of a relationship the jaded singles have deemed the day as an awareness of being alone. Come to think about it being alone is such a depressing thought. What I find particularly interesting is that what is meant to be a holiday to remember those we love, has turned into a day of meaningless chocolate and long stemmed roses. All of a sudden you are expected to drop hundreds of dollars on gifts. Not that I don't appreciate a nice token here and there, but being the romantic that I am, I can't honestly feel happy about any one I date feeling obliged to get me something. I think we have lost site of the bigger picture. We should not have to have one day to express love. Love is something that should be expressed and validated daily. It is something that deserves to have the spotlight 24/7.

Those who know me know that I am a huge fan of Hallmark, in fact my dream job would be to write for them. So I can definitely appreciate any type of card that they produce. I think all that is ever truly needed is a card. I guess I'm just hopelessly sentimental like that. Kind words and a smile all anyone ever needs to have a good day. There is something so wonderful about hearing that you are loved.

Going along with the theme of love my weekend was amazing. I went to the Melting Pot for my post V-Day. I ordered a bottle of wine which I ended up drinking most of. I would have to say that I could easily go to the Melting Pot and only get the chocolate. Dipping poundcake into pure milk chocolate is the hottest thing ever! Saturday I got to sleep in. And boy did I need it. As much as I'd like to say that getting up in the mornings is easier, it really isn't. I will never be a morning person.


I love the idea of love... =D


"Love is like a river, never ending as it flows, but gets greater with time!" -Anon